egypt

hi everybody,

not sure where i left off...  i am in tanzania now with my sister and her family, after about 3 weeks in egypt.  egypt was good overall; there were some definite ups and downs while i was there though.  after my moms left me in jordan, i caught a bus and then an all night ferry from aqaba, jordan to nuweiba, egypt and then a taxi to dahab.  i wanted to chill at a mellow spot before heading off to what i knew would be some major tourist spots in egypt.  so, i asked some egyptians on the ferry where i should go.  the answer was either sharm el-sheikh or dahab; and with dahab supposed to be the more mellow one, i headed there.  what a great choice it turned out to be.

dahab is on the sinai peninsula, eastern side on the gulf of aqaba.  sinai for short.  a pretty small little town with one main tourist street, right on the water.  it was perfect.  i wanted to chill out but i also wanted to be around some other tourists and some other kids.  the street full of restaurants on the sea side and shops on the land side.  there were also a bunch of egyptians there from cairo, to my luck it turns out. i ended up meeting some egyptian kids that i would later stay and hang out with in cairo.

sanai was cool, and as i would find out as the egyptians said, nothing like egypt.  i spent a week in dahab; basically hanging out at the beach, went camping one night to this place called abu galum, pronounced aba galoom.  a beautiful place, stark desert pushed right up against a flourishing sea.  what a different contrast!  the two egyptian kids i met at my guest house, a place named the fighting kangaroo, a really cool little place full of different people of all ages and origins.  much like otres beach in cambodia, a place where travelers stop traveling and end up staying for years.  i really enjoy coming across these places as the people you usually meet there are great: not elitist, not pretentious, mellow, chill, and easy to get along with and talk to.  no exception here.  i would meet the egyptian kids a few days after arriving and we just hit it off right away.  we would ended up hanging out for a few days with a couple of girls from cairo as well.  girls that i might add were extremely independent and free in a country that women are basically stilled treated like it's the last century.  i would have a conversation with them about this; and just thought that they were the cats' pajamas. 

we would all part ways at the end of the weekend, them all heading back to cairo and me heading to marsa alam (recommended, of course).  marsa alam was like a smaller dahab and a little less touristy on the egyptian mainland (red sea side); with quite a large population of ex-pats.  i ended up meeting and staying with a sudanese refugee who let me stay at an extra apartment he had in town.  it was really nice; but the whole time i was a little scared as i couldn't figure out what he wanted, as in money or maybe me waking up with a missing kidney.  turns out, i'm the asshole and the dude was just super nice and pretty much took care of me the couple a days i was there.  besides letting me stay at his apt, he showed me around, took me spear fishing, watching soccer games and ended up giving me some clothes.  i'm really not sure how this has been happening to me; but it's been eye-opening i guess.  i had that guy in jordan let me stay at his place, this guy, then the family in cairo that was super nice letting me stay at their place and taking me out for all sorts of cool shit there.  i can't figure it out, and that's okay, i'm happy leaving it the way it is.  the only thing i guess i know is that when you open up to the world, the world opens up to you; and then anything is possible.  anyway, i was in marsa alam for a few days before heading to aswan, the "real" egypt.

not even sure why i had stopped there (i guess i thought i had to on the way to luxor), i got there early in the morning after an all night bus ride, got breakfast and booked a hotel room for the night next to the train station so i could catch the train to luxor the next day.  i caught up on some sleep for a bit as i hadn't got much the night before and then headed out to do some tourist shit in aswan.  this is when i started to get eaten alive.  i was bugged to go into every shop in the tourist section of town i was in, not bad, happens everywhere.  i ended up talking to another sudanese dude and saying, yeah, i would come over to your house for dinner (pictures of another phenom phehn story popping up in my mind); after the dude had offered me scarfs to women and everything in between.  not really believing i would go.  i got bombarded walking down the street, they wouldn't leave me alone.  i eventually caved and got a carriage ride around aswan.  the dude took me to all the tourist places and it was not fun, i kept telling him i didn't care about the museums and all this other stuff and to show me something better.  he eventually took me to his house in the ghetto for lunch, which was pretty cool.  upon dropping me off back near my hotel though, he hit me up for a hundred bucks, that's right, usd.  i told him, no way, wasn't happening.  we got into a pretty heated discussion about how much i would give him, with me walking away a few times, offering nothing.  i eventually settled on a little over 200 pounds.  which was more than i wanted to, but it happens.  i was seething and ended up walking past the sudanese's shop and speaking with him about it.  he was pissed too and he ended up confronting the guy about it, which was nice but unnecessary.  at that point, i decided i would go to dinner at the sudanese dudes house.  funny, i was still a little worried about it, but sometimes you just gotta throw caution to the wind and leave it in the hands of whatever is out there.  it was cool, he took me back to the same ghetto as the other dude, but a little deeper, showed me around there for a bit, coffee shop, sudanese refugees, a live music show, and then we ended up watching soccer at his house, in the room they sleep, that's also the living room; in this tiny little hut.  it was an experience.  later, he would hit me up for money, in the guise of using it to help pay for his mothers doctor appointment, saying he would pay me back tomorrow.  i lent it, knowing i was taking off at 4 am to luxor and not going to be around.

now, at luxor, i got ravished.  just flat taken, eaten alive, chewed up and spit out.  i don't want to be mean; but it was brutal.  now, i usually try not to let hawkers and locals selling things get to me.  it comes with the territory, i'm in their country, visiting their historical sites.  and usually i'm pretty good at it.  i got beat down here.  i've been waiting my whole life to see egypt, the luxor temple, and the pyramids.  they are the reason i got into anthropology in the first place.  i must have been like 5 when i read about them and decided i would one day visit these places.  by mid-day, i was just handing out money to be left alone, no shit, here's a twenty, leave me alone.  it was bad.  i'm at the valley of the kings, probably one of the greatest tributes to ancient civilization with some of the most sophisticated work in history and i let it get to me.  i was miserable.  don't take this to mean it wasn't amazing and when i could grab a minute to myself i would just sit down and lose myself in the wonder.  and wonderful it is, over 4 thousand years old, complex to the point that parts are still baffling to anthropologists and scientists, temples that have been worked over by multiple civilizations from the ancient egyptians, the mesopotamins, greeks, romans, persians, and there is stuff still buried out there under the sands.  waiting to be uncovered.  the burial sites in the valley of the kings were amazing, covered in glass (to protected from the humidity created by tourist breathes) no pictures allowed as to damage the sensitive artifacts (and i'm sure to keep people paying and visiting); the walls just blanketed in hieroglyphics.  it was really cool.  i visited the temples of karnak, luxor, and the valley of the kings.  what an amazing opportunity! 

i finished the day waiting at the train station for the sleeper train to cairo.  i got eaten alive at the train station as well; i wasn't left alone.  people trying to sell me shit, or wanting me to give them shit, it was infuriating.  all i wanted was to be left alone to read, i was sitting there reading and they wouldn't leave me alone.  i finally got a remote enough place and was complaining to some british people, who broke it down for me: egypt has lost about 80% of it tourists and that's a huge part of their economy.  i felt a bit like an asshole after that and resolved that i would be more understanding and try not to let it get to me anymore.  still, i was happy to be heading to cairo to stay and hangout with some people from egypt.

now, cairo was cool and the fact that i got to stay with a family there was all the more lucky for me.  the family that i stayed with was great, they welcomed me in like i was a long lost son/brother/cousin; whatever, beloved family member.  a pretty affluent family, living on the 34st floor of the second highest building in cairo, owning multiple jewelery shops in old cairo and around the city; but down to earth and super giving.  it was really nice.  i did do a lot of tourist things while i was there but it was done in such a way as to feel like it was just another day in the life.  we visited the families shops in old cairo and walked around down there amongst the old building and mosques and history, just teeming with life and people on the move.  i prayed in the only outdoor mosque in the city, not to get religious or say that i've converted to islam but i had a major breakdown or opening up, however you want to call it, it was powerful.  we did the whole islamic preparing for the prayer, washing the body, trying to cleanse the mind and then the method of prayer.  i didn't really know what was going on as we did it in arabic, and karim (one a the kids from dahab) tried to explain a little, but i just let myself go, praying for my family and friends, thanking whomever for my life and my experiences, i lost it, started crying and couldn't contain it; nor did i really care about trying.  i mean, here i am doing a muslem prayer with a kid i met a few days ago but feel like i've known my whole life, thousands of miles from home, my family and my friends and all i can feel is this over abundance of love and the desire and wish for everyone i know and love to have the most beautiful of lives and i'm bawling like a little kid.  it was... relieving.  karim telling me i'm beautiful and i can't even compose myself enough to take a picture.  it was powerful to say the least.  anyway, we left the mosque to go back to his uncles shop where his uncle (after offering me pidgeon) buys us this huge fish meal.  now, uncle as he's called by family and friends (i would dub him papi, as he took care of everyone) i just fell in love with.  he was hilarious, so full of life, just laughing his full laugh, fucking around with everyone; taking care of his son, running his store, facing family complications and jail time; didn't let any of that stop his enjoyment.  it wasn't like he didn't take anything seriously, he just let it roll off him.  he didn't speak much english and i don't speak really any arabic but we had a great time.  he would buy us dinner, take us on a midnight private cruise on the nile and would give me an onyx roman soldier hand carved stone from his personal display case in his home and encase it in silver for me to make into a pendant necklace, saying, "i want you, when you look at this, to remember me as a great warrior and soldier."  when i asked why he was giving me, what i would consider such valuable present, he would say, "i love my nephew and i can see that he loves you, therefore, i love you."  such a simple answer backed by a generous offering.  i would in turn, teach him yoga until sun up (most egyptians keep nocturnal hours due to the heat, i was told).  and really without speaking to each other, we had a connection.  it was moving.

i would spend 6 hours in a mosque one day with mano (the other kid from dahab).  i would extremely respect mano for what he is trying to do with his life.  maybe as it runs parallel to what i have been going through the last couple of years in trying to find myself, my purpose, and really embrace life.  heavy into drugs and now trying to go clean and re-connect with his family and just starting a corporate job and finish school and working at becoming a "good" person.  i would tell you he already is; but you have to believe it yourself to actualize it.  anyway, i've had a keen interest in learning about islam since i was about 21 or 22, i guess, ever since i read the autobiography of malcolm x and his redemption path.  i've bought the quran a few times and tried to read it, but never gotten too far into it.  i basically have a keen interest in all religion, and this gave me the opportunity to see one i do not know much about first hand, i would take it.  plus, anyone you love that is trying to change their live in such a positive manner you should back 100% and they invite you to take part in a major influence in said change you should accept the invitation without hesitation.  so, i spent the day in a mosque with saudi "ministers" not the right word but whatever.  it was beautiful and mind opening.  i loved what mano was doing, and i loved what these saudi's were doing, and the brotherhood i felt there.  but i just couldn't get some of the ideals, or strictness of islam.  the saudi's were convinced i would convert as soon as possible and would even ask me multiple times during the day if i was ready to convert.  and that they would pray for me (i found this a little assuming in a negative manner; i'm all good brother, no need to pray for me.  but it came from such an honest place that all i could say was thanks).  they gave me presents and fed me two meals there, and i prayed with them multiple times throughout the day as they have the 5 mandatory prayers a day.  i had these dudes crying when they hugged me, in our group talks i was patting their backs while they cried as they listened to mano and the others participating in the 3 day "retreat" speak about what they had learned in that time.  it was surreal to say the least.  maybe they only liked me cuz i have a beard that is almost on par with theirs... just kidding.  jokes, jokes.  it was really an experience.  i even got to spend some time outside of the mosque (it's in the ghetto) playing ping pong with the locals and earning street cred with my abilities.  hahahah, but for real; and then i would get pulled back into the mosque by a believer that saw me earlier and would pull me back in for prayer time. 

i got to go to the great pyramids of giza (a lifelong dream come true, just checking those off the list by the day now, hahahah).  we went to the egyptian museum; where i learned about the rosetta stone and that the egyptians want their historical artifacts back from england and the louve.  i got to see tutankumans grave items.  i got to smoke hooka everywhere we went.  i was blocks away from an uprising where people were injured and killed.  i got to speak with multiple egyptians about the revolution and how they feel about it, what it means, how i thought it was such an amazing thing for them to see and be empowered by.  we went to the jazz club.  mostly i got to know some people, i got to speak with them about life as they saw it, hear their problems and give what little advice i could offer to complicated situations of life.  i got to help two best friends working to re-establish their relationship in times of turmoil for both, finding out about themselves, their relationship to the world, how they want interact with the world, where their lives are heading, where they would like their lives to head.  man, the twenties are such a bitch.

jordan with moms

so, i'm now in hurgada; waiting to catch a bus to marsa alam, which is supposed to be this tropical paradise on at the meeting of the red and arabian sea.  doesn't sound too bad.  i just spent a week in dabah relaxing after our whirlwind tour of jordan with moms.

we spent eight packed days, driving all over the country and checking out the tourist spots, and stopping in between drink tea and smoke hookah with the locals.  it was a fantastic week and nice to have moms here.  like a bit of home.  she arrived on a saturday night and i dropped her off at the airport the next saturday; and in between we traversed the lenght of the country, drove on all the 3major highways, visited natural and man made wonders and countless jordanians; who always ask, first where you are from and then reply immediately, "welcome."  this is more telling you welcome than it is making you feel welcome as they are all friendly but most of them in a serious and sort of aggressive way.  it endearing after you get used to it though.

we stayed in amman the first night, walking around sweifieh, the neighborhood i was living for the week before she got there.  i made her have a sharwma and then try smoking hookah, in what seemed to me to be a pretty sketchy russian bar, with some dude peddling jewerly, hot or not, who knows.  i love it, jordanians some hookah, stopping on the side of the freeway for a smoke break, making a friday night trip to mt. nebo to watch the sunset and smoke.  i took advantage of this most places but only got moms to smoke that once.  but hell, at least she tried.  i told her my policy of always saying yes to what the locals suggest.  it's just a practice.  the next day we spent the morning at a roman ruin temple on a hill that over looks most of amman.  i don't even know how to describe it, surreal, awesome, amazing, sick.  i didn't even know there were roman ruins in amman, apparently, amman, roman philadelphia, was one of the major ten roman cities across the world, and another was in gerash, jordan.  the ruins are beautiful, add it to the list of things i didn't think i would see on this trip.  jordan is diverse though, for nevada like desert in the south to an area above amman that is compared to tuscany.  it blew me away.  there are two major left of sites from the roman ruins in amman, one is this hercules temple that we visited and the other is an theater, downtown that you can see from this hill top.  i visited the theater a few day before with gwen, the filipino, that cleans the dudes house i was staying at.  seeing roman ruins have been a lifetime goal of mine since i was a little kid and it was so exciting to see them and be there.  my mom and i did come to the conclusion that for two people who believe that they are decently smart that we really don't know shit about history and history of roman, and the christian, and jews and all the areas in jordan that sites for the three main westerm religions.

so, we go back to the hotel to meet up with the rental car dude.  we check out for damage on the outside and it was a little beat up, no worries, we take pictures and speak with him about it, doesn't matter to us.  we never thought to try the car on, listen to it, or check the gas.  surprise surprise, the fucking car is on e, and not just e, the light is already on.  dude, i'm in a foreign country, by now i'm decently savvy but a super empty and i have no clue where petrol stations are.  i guess these are just one of those things that we take for granted.  no worries, amman traffic is totally chill, especially during rush  hour, right.  i have no clue how many lanes are in the roads, the roundabouts is everybody to themself.  of course there was never a question i would get us going, practicing in saigon, cambodia, lao, and india taught me a lot about how to do drive like a local.  ask my mom, i think i scared her passing cars on double lines going up or down hill.  it just the way it is in these place and you get used to it.  this is part of the horn thing, we use to be like, "hey man, you're fucking up," they use it as communication, as in hey, i'm overtaking on a double line, up a hill and around a corner.  it's old hat now.  in any case, we made it, got gas, navigated towards the dead sea and petra and were on our way.

we had plans to swim and stop by the dead sea, but it's was already later and we didn't really want to be looking for our hotel or navigating crazy jordanian roads in the dark with goats and camels and people out walking all over the place.we still had to get there in the dark but it was all good, as we stopped to tea and hookah with some family in fifa, so little town off the sea.  it was great.  they made us tea, we smoked hookah, we spoke about their lives, they asked about ours and moms handed out presents, postcards, pencils, candy the like.  i swear to god half the village walked by to say hi or check us out, it was cool  they wanted us to stay the night, which was heartwarming but we had decline as we had booked a hotel and wanted to check out petra the next two days.  oh yeah, and jordanians love WWE, i was thanking god that i knew a bit from friend in high school, they love john cena and have WWE shits all over and do the john cena signature move of you can't see me. it made me look cool to them and gave us something to bond over.

the next day, walking down the siq to petra was unreal.  the siq is this narrow rock entrance into petra, which i didn't know is massive covering miles and was a huge city back in the day.  the siq is special though, it looks like it's been cut through the sandstone with a river and then opens up into the treasury.  called this because it was believed that there was hidden treasure in the formations.  there are bullet holes in the upper area, where some people tried to get that treasure, to no avail as it's just a tome.  one of the most impressive tombs you will ever see.  it's not the most magnificent ruin there but it's the best preserved and could possibly be the most ornate.  it is massive and impressive.  cut into a sandstone cliff. maybe some likie 30-40 meters high, it's indescribable.  petra was built and added to many times so there are influences of nabateans, greek, and romans.  the treasury has like 6 corinthian columns topped with harpies and is just flat beautiful.   what is most impressive about petra is the size.  i thought maybe a few buildings but the city is spread over miles of sandstone cliffs, canyons, and open desert.  We got tickets for two days but i think i could easily spent a week exploring the place.  in parts, i felt like the only person there.  we found a little cafe/house up one canyon a 100 meters above the floor with sweeping views, and no one there.  it was obviously someones home as they had built a beautiful garden and there was a there was a fire and all, but they must have been out.  i covered deserted desert areas just picking artifacts up off the ground; shards of clay, handles, it was extraordinary.  Hiking to the monastery and viewing endless desert on one side and the largest of the buildings on the other.  it was heart stopping.  there are hawkers all over and it's to be expected but most aare extremely friendly and just happy if you stop and look at their wares, offering you tea occasionally and speaking to you in cliched english phrases like, "happy hour," and "good price for you." we had one negative experience with some horse handlers who expect a tip after offering free rides from the end of the siq to the gates, where they would not take the tip i offered, wanting more and arguing.  i caved a bit but didn't give them what they wanted as it was a lot of money for 10 minutes of work.  at the end of the second day in petra, after walking miles in the desert sun, we headed to wadi rum.  i had spoken with a hawker who set us up with a friend of his there to stay the night in a beduin tent and take a jeep tour of wadi rum the next day.  wadi rum is a massive desert in the south but unlike the deserts i've ever seen.  used as a location to film "lawrence of arabia," it's epic in it's grandeur and solemnity.  and the first place i've seen wild camels!  the beduin camp and the night we spent there was one of the best experiences i've had so far.  it was good to be in the desert again.  it reminded me of home, the sounds of coyotes at night and the desert stars.  what was really cool, was that we were the only guests there, so it was like we had the whole desert to ourselves.  the jeep tour the next morning was unreal, sandstone mountains with rolling dunes in between. there is a desolation you feel in your soul and loneliness you feel in bones.  it is both awing and fills you with fear.  like staring at the ocean, you feel the power of the earth and smallness yet it's almost comforting and your petty worries and cares are washed away by the landscape.

on the drive to madaba to check out some 6th century mosaics at a greek orthodox church our sweet rental car broke down.  i had a bit of a hissy fit at the beginning and one towards the end of a 5-6 hour wait to be picked up, but in between we played one of our best games of scrabble and had a good talk.  about sunset, a cop fixed the car in about 10 minutes and i felt like a helpless american.  after this, the rental dude shows up adn says there's nothing wrong with the car and we owe him 70 dinar for the drive down.  hahahah, we explained that the cop fixed the car and that he won't get any money from us.  He ends up lending us his personal car and the kicker, it has no gas.  we had just filled up the other tank and had to argue with him about paying us for a tank of gas as this was the second time he gave us a car with no gas.  he agrees to give us some money but doesn't have any on him (seriously bro) and so he's gonna give it to me when we drop off the car.  anyway, we decide to drive as far as we can get, which ends up being karak.  karak's claim to fame is a crusader castle, which is pretty fucking cool.  the next morning we explored the castle and i'm just blown away at the history this country holds, multiple crusader castles, petra, roman ruins, christian/muslim/jewish famous places.  it pretty incredible.  then we visited a school, as moms likes to go to schools in every country she goes to.  the teachers and the principle were so proud and happy to have her there, they were glowing.  so, we took a tour and they were proud yet spoke of how poor they're schools were compared to ours how they worked to make it a beautiful place of learning.  and it was.  moms handed out presents in some of the classrooms.  her kindness knows no boundaries.  i felt shamed, i brought no presents... for anyone.

we decided to mash to jerash that afternoon and then spend the next afternoon in madaba as it is closer to the airport for me to drop her off.  jerash is another town with roman ruins.  driving there we marveled at the change in scenery.  this is the part of jordan that looks like tuscany, who knew.  it was gorgeous.  i'm astonished by my ignorance everyday.  anyway, we had dinner with the most negative south african ever for moms 37th anniversary.  we had some jordanian wine and played the worst game of scrabble ever.  we called pops to wish him a happy anniversary and then went to sleep to prepare for another day of mad touristing.  we visited the roman ruins in jerash, which are very well preserved and extensive, moms bonded with some vendors, we drove to madaba checking out the 6th century mosaics, drank tea with this old dude who called me his son, chained smoked and waved the cigarette so close to my face i thought i would catch it in the eye.  we drove up to mt. nebo, where moses saw the promised land, visited a family, some college kids, and ended the day and moms trip by eating pizza (which wasn't bad).

i dropped her off in the morning, crying and missing home and unsure where to go from there.

now, i'm in aswan going to see the luxor, after spending a few days in darsa alam and a week in dahab; but that's another story.

nick

teaching yoga

so, i mentioned on facebook that i was going to be teaching some yoga classes in jordan.  i was feeling a bit at a loss of what to do here and wanting to go home because of loneliness and boredom.  hahahah, now i want to go home because i would like to get started teaching yoga and again being around yoga in california.  hahahahah, one thing that i'm trying to learn and really take to heart is patience.  maybe it's just me; but i feel like i live about 90% of my time either in the future or in the past.  what a joke.  the present is the only thing we can control and the only time where we can be truly happy, so why not embrace it...  i guess what i'm trying to say is that this trip is really teaching me about that.

i've now taught two classes in about 12 hours.  how exciting!  it's strange, most of these people that i'm teaching to, don't know any thing about yoga, most are heavy weight lifters, and have the flexibility of richard nixon.  pretty much, exactly like i was when i started yoga.  i don't bother saying the name of the poses, i quit that instantly.  i had to re-vision, think my class and the lesson plan i created about five minutes into the class.  i dropped all pretense of trying to give them some spiritual advice during the class and have moved into just trying to give them some deep stretching and relaxation.  and i think that they really enjoyed it.  i know i did.  you can't imagine how excited i am to make creative lesson plans, work with weight lifters, athletes, and office workers.  one of the reasons, i was afraid of teaching yoga is that i thought that maybe teaching would take the pleasure out of practicing yoga for me.  i realize now that that was a stupid concern, much like my other trepidations about teaching yoga.  these students, they call me coach.  it's endearing.  i want to be a better yoga practitioner for my students.  i want to learn all that i can in order to help these people.  the manager of the gym pretty much offered me a job, starting yoga in jordan.  it's virtually not here.  that made me smile on the inside, as well as the outside.

what a great experience.  i feel like i've opened up to the world.  i've got friends that good things just seemed to happen to, not that they didn't work hard or deserve it; it just seemed like life came easy to them.  while i felt like i had to fight and scratch tooth and nail for every little thing i got.  this opening up to the world, it's given back to me two fold.  i used to not really believe that anything was possible, or that i could do anything i wanted.  now, i think i really do/am starting to believe this.  a lot of that might be that i'm starting to believe in myself a lot more.  for as long as i can remember i've had a bit of a negative self-image and not a lot of confidence.  it wouldn't be until someone told me that i couldn't do something that i would really try and do it.  but not for me, just to prove to them not to put limitations on me; all the while i have been limiting myself for years.  i think i'm starting to break that down.  i was talking with someone about my future and how i think i would like to give something my all.  for about that last 15 i haven't really tried.  i was afraid of failure.  fuck, i was afraid of success.  i think i'm ready.  i want to try my hardest, put forth all my effort, play the best hand i can put together and just let the chips fall where they may.  i didn't have an agenda when i started this trip.  i mean i knew i would learn things about myself, about the world, about people.  but i had no clue the far reaching effects that would be brought about in me.  i've got a friend that always asks me these questions, like, what does it feel like; questions that i can't really answer until a day later after i've mulled them over for a while.  i told them that travelling is the greatest thing in the world because on the road, you have no past, you have no future; so you are free.  free to be the best incarnation of you.  there's no one you know, so they haven't boxed you in.  you meet people for a day or maybe longer if you would like, so you are free to be who you truly are.  and that's the beauty.  i feel free.  and now that i'm not limiting myself anymore, it's unreal, what i can do.

on a side note, we should be grateful that we are native english speakers.  i am unsure if i've mentioned this, but english is spoken everywhere.  the language barrier is damn near non-existant for us.  i have to say it's kind of nice; but also not that great.  i wanted to learn new languages, i mean, i knew i wouldn't learn whole languages but at least i could pick up a few words here and there.  i still do try; but it's a lot harder when everyone pretty much speaks english.

i guess that's it for now.  i'm excited to see mom.  i'm excited to see petra and wadi rum and go where ever else we will be going in jordan.

take care,

nick

jordan...

so, here i am, in the middle east now, and i don't quite know what to say, think, or really do.  i know nothing about the country other than that petra is here and i would like to see that.  and by a series of fortunate events, my mom is coming to meet up with me and so we can go to petra together.  so, for the time being i am at a loss for what to do.  my plan was to couchsurf, from couchsurfing.com, but getting off the plane i met a guy who said i could stay at his place.  what the hell.  the dude is a consultant for bp, that's right, british petroleum.  go figure.  so he works all the time.  he lives in a decent neighborhood, the apartment is super nice; but it's lonely.  i had it all mapped out that i would couchsurf at this persons house and they would be full of ideas of what i should do in amman for the 10 days i'm here waiting for moms.  yesterday, i went and watched two movies, the hunger games and john carter.  the hunger games was done well and it was good to see it as it's one the first books i read starting this trip.  which, let me tell you, seems oh so long ago.  it's almost 6 months now, go figure.  that might not sound like a lot but, let me tell you that's a decent amount of time to be travelling.  and until getting here i would have told you i wasn't in a million years ready to go home.  now... i'm not so sure.  and a month and a half before that, i would have told you that yeah, i sure am ready to go home.  so it's all depending on the day, where i'm at, who i'm with, and what is going on.

leaving india was sad.  leaving elizabeth was sad.  i started out hating india and the ashram, and then i went north to rishikesh and had the time of my life and then it only got better.  i pretty much travelled with elizabeth for 6 weeks, maybe more, no ones counting.  that's like a year in travel time.  we had a lot of great conversations, about life, love, our futures, ourselves as people.  it wasn't all serious though, we shared a lot of elementary jokes and had some uncontrollable laughing sessions together.  we helped each other through yoga school and then through a bout of frost bite in the himalayas, we helped each other with the petty annoyances of travelling.  and by the end, we were pretty much brother and sister.  i told her that too, i says, "you're pretty much my sister."  we told each other, "i love you," at night.  and it was great to have someone, not just anyone either but someone you get along with so well and can say anything too and someone who'll do anything with you.  and i miss that.  such is life.  we made plans to meet up soon and try to do the apalachian trail in the next couple of years.  so it goes.

it's quite here, in this apartment, in this part of town.  a lot of that probably has to do with the lack of honking.  i knew it would happen.  india is so loud, so in your face, and the honking is so ridiculous.  and it's cold here too.  what  a joke.  i give away my cold clothes and i need them more times than i could count on one hand.  it's a good thing i kept my sweatshirts, i almost gave those away.

oh yeah, and i met up with chapati nash and michelle before i left india.  how awesome.  it was truly great to see them and be able to hangout one more time before the next time we meet state side.  i didn't think it would happen.  i thought they would be at the farm and i would spend a day in delhi and then go to agra and then be out; but we ended up being in delhi at the same time and we were doing to some mandated site seeing by our indian host mahek and i'm walking through this neighborhood and i just knew that charlie was in the same neighborhood.  so i called him, sure as shit, he and michelle were staying right down the street.  we went to agra the next day together and saw the taj mahal too.  and then they came back to delhi with me, me to catch a sweet 35 hr train ride to chennai and them to go... where ever the path leads.  turns out it lead to northern india for them, darmsala.  but what an event, a last 24 hours together, and how fun it was too.

so, i'm here and it's different and i'm feeling a little lonely.  i did some good work today though, i went to the dr as i was feeling a little stomach bug left over from india, everyones gotta get sick in india once, right.  turns out i'm fine.  then, i'm walking around and i come up on a gym, i go in cuz i want to see what prices are for a week pass and then on a passing whim, i ask the manager if it's cool if we trade free days for yoga classes.  i said, i'll teach and then in return, i want free use of the gym while i'm here.  he says, "why not."  so, i went and got a jordan sim card and called him and he's calling me back to discuss details later.  so, i'm trying not to get too excited but i think that might be kinda cool.  i went grocery shopping and made some good faux paux's and now, i'm going to see if i can play some pick up soccer across the street from the shopping mall.  not bad, and i'm hopping it'll break me outta this little funk.

one more thing, you can smoke anywhere here.  no shit, there's smoking areas in the hospital and then people smoke all over the mall.  it's weird.  i guess it's what it must have been like in the 70's or something.

reading shantaram now, i was told by everyone to read it while i was in india.  about an australian drug addict and convict who escapes to bombay in the early eighties and works for the indian mafia there.  a must read apparently for anyone who's travelled, travelling, or is planning on travelling to india.

what a trip.  it all changes all the time.  i ain't mad at cha, i ain't got nothing but love for ya.

nick

is this real life

dear friends,

i don't even know where to start, the last month or so has been incredible.  it's been so nice to be in a place that's comfortable and beautiful and full of such great people.

the yoga school wasn't the best, but it was definitely worthwhile.  it's such a great experience, getting to know a group of people and then hanging out with them the whole time was the best part.  i did learn some new things, do some new things, fine-tuned some ideas, read some more material, practiced almost everyday for a month, and in general had a good time.  there were 24 students in our class, 6 from the usa, and the rest from all different countries.  there was one from brasil, croatia, slvokia, czech, netherlands, belgium, austria, panama, england, australia, lavtia, and more.  i had two roommates, joost (netherlands) and manfred (austria).  both were really good dudes; and it was cool getting to know them.

we did some weird things like shatkarmas, which are cleansing techniques under kriya yoga.  we tried jala neti, which is a neti pot and then the next day we did sutra neti, sticking a waxed rope up our noses and then out of our mouths.  it was messed up, i didn't get mine all the way through, and then the day after that we had to chug multiple warm salty lime water and do some asanas til and then chug more until we cleared out digestive system, that was terrible.  but we tried them all.  we did some gazing meditation, where you stare at a candle for a half an hour, we did osho dynamic meditation, we did some yoga nidra, and we did some vipassana meditation, and we sang some kirtans.  we did ashtanga vinyasa every morning and hatha every evening.  we had sundays off.  it was a pleasure.

one sunday we went rafting down the ganga, one sunday i just spent all day at the beach with elizabeth (my friend from georgia), i hiked to a shiva temple one day with my roommate joost and loic (the belgian) this was on holi, a holiday here where everyone throws paint on each other, it was sketch cuz we heard that some of the paint could blind you, but we didn't have a problem.  we went to the osho ashram one sunday, he was a pretty big guru in the 70's i think.  apparently he was poisoned by the cia, or at least the documentary of him claimed this.  and after the program ended we went trekking in the himalayas for four days, but it was really three, with the drive back counting as a day.  but it was the highlight.  i had no clue i would see the himalayas this trip, i had no clue i would do yoga ttc in rishikesh this trip.  but they happened, and the himalayas were the most amazing thing.

i went with elizabeth and dafne, a girl from the basque country in spain, who i'm totally infatuated with cuz she's so cute and sweet and gots this cute little accent; but who also is exactly like the movie, "something about mary."  she's got about 4-5 indians that love her, a few asked her to marry them and then they follow her everywhere she goes, it's a bit crazy.  she's always saying that she doesn't know what they want, i'm like, REALLY.  both were really great though and overcame bouts of frostbite and some stomach sickness.  it was really cool.  and cold.  once again i was kicking myself for getting rid of all my cold weather cloths in cambodia.  our guides were funny, a couple of indian guys who basically just hung out with each other and laughed all the time.  but they showed us a good time.  there was happy and shivam and then a few other groups that had different guides but they kinda melded all of our groups together, so it was cool, actually going with 4 other people one day and then another different 4 the next day.  the first day we hiked over a ridge to this little lake and got our first view of the himalayas.  wow, i can't even begin to describe how majestic it was.  how fortunate i was to see them and hike in them and be there!  we had the choice of staying in a tent or a building with like 4 bedrooms, we choose the building since it was so bone chilling cold.  the next day we hiked about 15 km ridging a bit of the way and then contouring to a like roadside stop, that had a few rooms and then another camping spot.  again we choose the room.  it snowed a bit and i was super happy to see the snow.  i just sat watching it for a while before succombing to the cold.  the next day, we were supposed to climb to the top of a mountain, but only made it to about 1 km away as there was too much snow.  this was at an old temple we sat at and had lunch and chilled for a bit before heading back down.  the temple was the coolest thing ever, exactly like you see in photos of the himalayas.  i still don't believe it.

it's been super good to be here and super nice to get back into yoga again, and take some time off from travelling.  i thought i was pretty much ready to come home and get started on my future, but now i'm rejuvenated and really excited to go to jordan and hangout with my mom for a bit (she's meeting me, what a cool mom).  i'm there for about 10 days before she arrives, so i believe that i'm going to try couchsurfing, this website where you sign up, create a profile, and then either host or stay at peoples houses.  it seems really cool, such a good way to get to know the people who live there and such an insight into different ways of life. i'm pretty excited to try.

god, it seems so short so long that i've been gone.

i hope everyone is great, i keep getting emails/messages, all sorts of things about how everyone is doing good and it makes me so happy.

i love you all.

nick

oh yeah, and yesterday, we went driving around the mountains on a motorbike, just cruising and stopping at little villages and temples and whatever else.  then in the evening we came upon a adventure park with zip lines and a bungie jump.  so, i did the bungie jump, it was pretty crazy, 83 meters (something over 200 ft), about a shallow river and rocks.  it was outta this world!

from kerala to uttarakhand

i am now in rishikesh in the state of uttarakhand, india.  it's about 3,000K from kerala.  it was a 4 hour flight and an 8 hr train ride.  before i left the ashram, i went to a program with amma.  it was cool to see how many indians showed up and also nice to get out of the ashram for the day.  i believe that i finally made peace with the ashram before i left.  my last couple of days i felt relaxed and comfortable.  which was a nice change.  i know it could have been because i knew i was leaving but it didn't feel that way.  i felt like i overcame a big hump.  that said the ferry out was the best i'd felt in a while.  it felt exciting to be on the road again.

after the flight to delhi, i had a few hours before i had to catch my train, so i decided to get to the train station by the metro.  now, this wasn't hard but it just feels good to get to a new city and not have to take a taxi, just figure it out on your own (even though i asked about 20 people).  i got to old delhi train station with time to spare.  the place was packed, people sleeping all over the floors wrapped in blankets.  it was a mad house.  india has an extensive train system that is super cheap to ride.  if i would have just taken the train to rishikesh it would have cost me about 1000 rupees.  as it was it took about 180 from delhi after the 6,500 flight.  1000 rupees is about 20 bucks.  so, i get on my train and it's a sleeper car with a reserved seat.  i'm thinking, sweet, this is going to be a plush ride.  now, it was a lot colder in delhi than it had been down south.  but not bad.  i figured the train would be a lot warmer.  it wasn't, the train is pretty spartan and not that comfortable.  whatever, i've been in worse situations.  it gets on it's way.  i've got this little scarf covering my legs that i bought in cambodia.  it gets colder, the window won't shut all the way, the train is not heated, and i understood all the people in the station with blankets.  some dude sits down across from me and starts smoking on the train.  he is replaced later by a kid who at one point i had woken up to find had borrowed my shoes to go to the bathroom, or somewhere.  my glasses were in my shoes.  this dude is like 6'2", my shoes would never fit this kid.  he comes back with my shoes, the back smashed from his walking on them and my glasses.  i'm freezing.  i end up putting on both the sweatshirts i have, a beanie, pants over my shorts, and socks.  i pull out my bivy sack to sleep in.  it might have saved my life.  i get a little bit of sleep.  we get to hardiwar at 6 in the morning, it's real cold out.  i get a rickshaw to rishikesh, rickshaws don't have windows, it's an open air vehicle.  i get to rishikesh, i overpay by about 700 rupees for a hotel room.  i lay in the hotel room from about 7 in the morning til 1 in the afternoon, curled up in fetal position with both hotel blankets shoved in my bivy sack trying to sleep.

i leave the hotel room, covered like it's deep winter in the yukon and it's like 75 degrees out.  apparently my hotel room does not heat up or anything.  anyway, i walk around.  i was in the main part of town, the tourist parts are ram jhula and laxman jhula.  my school is in laxman jhula, the beatles ashram is in ram jhula.  the next day, i pack up my shit and start the hike to laxman jhula (it's a few kms).  i'm excited to get there but still checking out the town and all the sites.  rishikesh is located almost even with nepal in terms of longitude and at the base of himalayas and also the ganges.  ganga in indian, and is the holiest of rivers.  many indians take a pilgrimage to the ganga to take a swim in her waters.  kinda nasty unless you're up here because the ganga is also the most polluted river in the world.  whities can swim up here though, cuz it's not too bad.  whatever, it's absolutely stunning, super picturesque.  i'm walking up to laxman jhula and i know i'm home.  i know i made the right decision, i can just feel it.  i feel great.  walking up the mountain road (i have to hike up to the laxman jhula bridge and then cross to get where i'm going), i see some decaying steps up to some structure of sorts.  i decide to explore, i have a lot of time.  i roll up there, chilling up there is some ancient indian.  old, huge beard, twinkling eyes of a person that has seen so much change they aren't affected by the outside world any longer. he unrolls a carpet for me.  i sit down.  he asks if i want a beedie, i say okay.  we sit there smoking, overlooking ram jhula and the ganga, talking; him telling me about india, me asking question trying not to sound ignorant.  he's a swami, he's 74, some brothers and sisters, this is a shiva temple.  how long have you lived here, i ask.  long time he replies.  i get no more than that.  he makes tea.  someone comes to visit.  we smoke more beedies.  and sure as shit, just as i'm like this old dude is ancient as a fossil and wise as the wind, he pulls out a cell phone and blows my mind.  we truly live in a digital age.  it was trippy.  i get his number, say, i'll call next time i come up, see if you need anything and walk to my yoga ashram.

i've been to yoga class 4 times in four days.  i'm super stoked to be here.  it's touristy but i don't care anymore.  i'm excited to be with group of people that will bond together and practice yoga and learn about yoga for the next 30 days.  our schedule is up at 7:30, kriya yoga (detoxification), asana class from 9-10:30, breakfast, 11-1 lecture, lunch, 2-5 lecture, 5-6:30 asana class, 6:30-7:30 meditation, 8 dinner.  starts tomorrow!

oh yeah, and so we visited the beatles ashram this morning.  it was falling apart.  this last picture is of all the graffiti that is in what was the main temple of the ashram.  it's all falling apart now, holes in walls, broken glass, trees and nature overtaking buildings.  no signs, no guides, nothing really.  we were like 2 out of the 6 people there.  weird.  all you can say is india and shrug like that makes sense.  but it does...

i get called out

a greek lady says to me the other day, when i told her i wasn't so keen on the westerners in the ashram, that we often see traits or characteristics in others that we do not like about ourselves.  ouch.   it's called mirroring.  amma also spoke about it at a beach meditation session, which i missed, but still the message reached my ears.  is the world trying to tell me something... 

the ashram has generally been eating me up.  i'm don't know if i like it or hate it.  most mornings i'm filled with such anxiety and dread it's unreal.  then as the day wears on, i usually get more comfortable.  that said, i'm pretty sure i tear up at least five times a day.  not sad things, just thinking of friends and home; i don't think i've ever been this emotional.  this morning do seva i was thinking about my friends and would just randomly tear up, just thinking about all of my friends and how amazing they are and that i love all of them so much and only want the best in life for them and my family.  i have the best family and friends, it's unreal.  i don't get it.  and then i flip flop at least two to three times per day thinking about my plans for when i get home.  frozen by indecision, i have been throwing the idea around of going to physical therapy school, working as a yoga teacher, or just trying to get a job that i'm qualified for with insurance and a pension plan and all that good stuff, and going to get my 500hr yoga teaching certificate.  the 500hr cert is pretty much locked down.  going to happen.  the rest is in the air, and i keep reminding myself that i shouldn't stress about these things and that i don't have to decide right now.  my new plan is to try and follow my heart and to take risks in this regard.  i could walk up to a 60 ft cliff and jump off without hesitation.  i can do sketch zip lines, rope swings, and bungee jumps without question.  i quit the safety of a sure job with good pay and used my retirement to travel around the world like it was going out of style.  i bought a fucking motorcycle in saigon and drove it across two countries in southeast asia, where driving is like playing russian roulette without a second thought.  yet, i have such a hard time making what i deem such a massive life decision like the one i'm facing.  like quitting my job and using my retirement to travel the world wasn't a huge life decision.  hahahha. so weird.  anyway, i think all day about this and all i've got right now is to follow my heart and let the chips fall where they will.  i like it.  i've been reading too much paulo coelho.  but he has a point.  who do you know that has followed their heart and done what they wanted that is unhappy?

notes on amma: i am unsure of amma's godhood.  i definitely think you could call her a saint, along the lines of mother teresa. everyone here has a story of some miracle that she has performed; some of the connecting dots in these people's stories reach pretty far if you ask me.  her biography is unbelievable.  like literally.  her spiritual guidance seems to me common sense.  darshan, the hug, is awkward for me; but it's powerful to see her console people.  people just bawling and professing love or asking favors.  it's such a simple thing, darshan, a hug, yet it really is powerful.  think back to when you were a child and you got hurt and your mother hugged you.  and it was the most calming and soothing gesture ever, taking all your pain and hurt away and leaving you with the sense that everything will be alright.  i'm guessing that's how her hug feels to some people.  maybe if i relaxed more it could be like that for me.  as it is it's awkward for me.  the whole ashram shows up when amma sings bhajan, the singing of sacred hymns.  she sits on stage and there's like two thousand people watching and some dancing and clapping; and it isn't bad.  she can draw a crowd, that's for sure.

i've got two darshans now.  after the first i thought i would leave darshan to the people that need it and want it more than me.  but i figured that i should at least try it again and then i'll give it as many other chances that are available to me when i'm here.  i mean people wait like a day for a hug from amma, i wait like an hour and have the chance to do this like once or twice a week.  i could have gotten like 5 or 6 hugs by now.  here's my description of the darshan though: you get your token in the morning after breakfast.  this token is good for one hug.  at your appointed time bring the token to either the temple or bhajan hall.  you wait in line in the temple and then after a bit you're back behind the stage.  and that's when it gets a little auspicious.  i don't even think she's a deity and yet there's definitely power there.  my first darshan, i felt nervous, what's going to happen, will she see right through me and if she does what will she see.  it gets weird back there, people are crying, praying, all these devotees are sitting around her, some dude has a camera and is recording right behind amma, people are bringing babies to be blessed.  i was nervous.  and you move forward in plastic chairs til you are almost there, the whole time a kind of jittery apprehension building, what is going to happen?  how will it feel?  and then you're at the stage, people out in the crowd watching, they ask your language (i guess this is so amma knows which language to speak to you as she hugs you, i didn't know that until after the second hug).  you get pushed down on your knees and it's so crowded and you're forced right up to the person in front of you, shuffling.  and she's hugging the person in front of you and maybe their crying or maybe not, maybe they asked amma a question (bless this, bless that, can i have a mantra, for a spiritual name, idk).  amma is talking to the people around her, maybe she throws flower petals at some misbehaving kid in the audience and wildly gesturing to those around her and laughing raucously (she does have a beautiful laugh you notice, full throated and hearty).  and then it's your turn, and you notice that the place where people put their faces is all wet from human tears, mucus, and snot and you're a bit disgusted. and you're not allowed to hug back.  you put your hands on the arm rests of the chairs and they push, your face to this spot and she draws you close in a strong one handed embrace.  and you don't know what to do, do you linger, do you try to be quick about it, do you feel anything out of the ordinary..  and she pulls you in and whispers in your ear.  i didn't know what it was, i thought it was all in malaylam, i didn't pay attention.  and she hands you prasad and you're yanked up and pushed to the side and away from the stage and it's all over and you don't know what went on, or how you felt.  and the prasad has a piece of candy that's good.  and you walk away, do you feel different?  do you feel better?  was it amazing?  i don't know.  maybe after the first one i felt better.  i don't know.  i'm not sure if i like it.

next, i decided to do a yoga teacher training course in rishikesh.  rishikesh is where the beatles visited when they came to india and met a guru.  it's in the north and at the base of the himalayas.  it'll probaly be pretty cold up there still; but that will be a nice change from the stickiness and hot humidity of kerala.  i wanted to travel for ten days or so on the way up there; visiting bombay, goa, going to the taj mahal, go to a nature reserve and trying to see some bengal tigers.  but all the trains were booked up and i could only get a flight on the 9th of feb.  the yoga school starts on the 12th and is a month long program.  it ends the 16th of march, i believe, and that will leave me 12 days to travel before my visa runs out on the 28th of march.  so, that is the new plan for india.  i like it.  i think it'll be good.

india  is like nothing i've seen so far, next level shit, for real.  i took the local bus into town about a week ago and went to a few bars to get drinks and it was bonkers.  i mean it.  it was like they were all pounding alcohol; and since india is such a traditional (sexually repressed) country there were no girls in the bar.  just dudes getting the hammer on.  they are all super nice though, and want to meet you, introduce themselves and get your name.  and invite you to drink with them.  it's packed though, they got a serious population problem and you can tell even in the relativity small city the ashram in next to (about 6-8 km away).  there are amma's college's near the ashram and in india there are no bars or places to buy booze near college's.  i was telling the kid's from the college that these people are missing out on a gold mine; straight feeding the sauce to uni kids.  but indians put such an emphasis on education, it's unreal.  i guess that's why they are on their way to becoming a super power.  i went to dinner at this kid's house who works out at the tulasi farm with me, it was super nice of him to invite me and for his family to make me dinner.  but then it was just food for me and they didn't eat.  they all just sat around watching me eat and it was weird.  but i didn't let it show.  i just ate and enjoyed and played with the nephew of the kid who invited me.  and the kid would hand me his phone every one in a while and tell me to speak the one phrase of malaylam that i've managed to learn: ninde parendo ah, what is your name to the person on the line.  and other members of the family who lived in a few houses around came by once they heard a whitey was there.  the milk is incredible though, do to the fact they all own cows.  and then when i finished eating they all brought out cell phones and took pictures.  it was nice but weird.  and then he took me back to the ashram right away.  dinner was at most like a half an hour.  i wondered when they would eat, if they ate before i can there, and why didn't we all eat together. 

some random indian notes:  the head bobble still makes me laugh loud, i don't think it'll ever get old.  people just own cows.  not even fields, just cows and a little coral.  i often see people taking their cow out for a walk.  trips me out.  here they come just walking their cow like we would a dog.  i don't know how to respond to it.  the eating watery rice with their hands still throws me off as well.  watery rice is fucked up to begin with and then trying to scoop it up with some curry and make like a shovel with your first three fingers and then use your thumb to push into your mouth.  there's technique.  i don't have that yet.

i have found my patriotism refined here as well.  i never knew i was a patriot until i left my country.  i want the best for my country and i want us to move more back toward the idea's we were founded upon.  be a country that fosters peace, democracy, and tolerance through the world rather than the war mongering and corprotacracy that i feel like we've become.  there are polarizing opinions of america that i get from others.  i have a dutch boss at one seva who's always jokily clowning on america.  and i don't mind but it gets old after a few weeks.  i've heard some people spout hate and anger at us.  others who say they love america and the opportunity we provide for the common person.  there are so many things i want to say to them.  there are lots of american citizens that believe our foreign policy is alienating us and war waging from our industrial military complex  is way out control and overboard.  but also, that our military action and world police position has had countless benefits bringing down tyrants and helping people in need.  that america is always the country that gives the most money to other countries in times on famine or natural disaster.  but that it's so sad that we have the capability to stop world hunger but have not utilized the chance.  that yes, a common person can actualize their dreams.  but that our system has built the greatest case of greed and selfishness that the world has ever seen.  yet above it all we are a great nation with great people who love and care for all the people of earth.  a bit much, eh.

so, i am still not sure why i am here.  i am still not sure if i like it or not.  i am working on being a better person.  i have time and am reflecting on everything.  everything.  my days are full of seva, i made it a practice never to refuse to do ashram work and have done all manner of things: husk coconuts, farm, garden, serve food (when i left the peak i promised myself i would never do food industry serving again and here i am volunteering to do it), garbage man, pizza dough rolling (with the funniest most bubbly russian lady ever, she's a match maker and loves america), sweeping, being asked to be supervisor of the crew that cleans the paths where ever amma walks (i was unable to do this because i have changed my departure date, but was honored that i was asked), moved paper stacks, washed pots, and other odd jobs.

p.s. sorry if this is disjointed.  i wrote over a few sessions.  plus, i am scatter brained right now.  so much breaking down.  sorry for the politics, i felt the need to both profess my love for my country and also my disappointment with it.  i don't know what else...

c'mon people

so, we're almost to 2,000 page views.  lets get there, what do you think?  cuz we're on this journey together.  i've had so, SO, much positive reaction/influence from you, probably more than you've had from me.  forward to anyone you think might be interested.  what the hell, i could get a traveling job out of this.

anyway, i named the last blog, breakthrough.  maybe it was a breakthrough, maybe not.  okay, it probably was.  my mindset being at the ashram definitely changed, and yeah, for the better.  i also had a big skype call to my parents yesterday that was very reassuring.  worst news out of that was that fact there is another big fire in reno.  wtf.  it's the middle of january.  you wouldn't know that in kerala though.  i'd say it's at least 85 with like a 100 percent humidity.  and my roommates don't like the fan, again, wtf.  i also had some positive emails from friends.  wow, one should never under-estimate the support that comes from friends and family on a trip like this, journey if you will.  cuz, that's what it is.  a journey.  ten years ago, i would have truly been alone; now, thanks to computers, the internet, fuck (facebook), skype (a godsend), email; i am not alone.  i have all of you.  and you all have been so helpful.  so thanks.  thanks for being there and thanks for reading, and i can't thank you enough for your support and positive feedback.  it's truly heartwarming.

so, the real breakthrough has been outside of the ashram.  after i wrote last, i snuck out for a beer.  i guess it's not taboo, since i was off ashram property but i had to take a tuk tuk decently far to get there.  i felt like such a fugitive/spy/something badass.  it was awesome though, i only had one beer (kingfisher, a malt liquor, only to be sold in kerala) but it was great.  the dudes working the bar and me chilled (for the 15 minutes i was there, the tuk tuk was waiting).  it reminded me of really traveling, of getting to know the locals, of appreciating their lives and what their story is.  even if it was for just a moment.  a moment in time.  enough of the soft stuff.  let's get back to why i feel better about being here.  i'm still not digging the ashram that much.  i have made some decent friends (c'mon, it's me) and spoken with some good people about what is going on in their lives and what they are doing and what type of path they are on and what type of path they are trying to be on.  i've had good conversations about america, i've had good conversations with americans (they are a surprising amount of americans here).  as a whole, you don't meet too many americans traveling; and i would say i've traveled a decent amount (not just this trip but a couple included).  and you don't meet that many americans compared to other western countries; but there a lot here.  mostly decent people too.  it's pretty fucking awesome to meet good americans overseas, it makes the heart grow fond of home.  back to the point.  so, i've been doing extra seva at the tulsi farm.

"Tulsi has been used for thousands of years in Ayurveda for its diverse healing properties. It is mentioned in the Charaka Samhita,^[17] an ancient Ayurvedic text. Tulsi is considered to be an adaptogen,^[12] balancing different processes in the body, and helpful for adapting to stress.^[18] Marked by its strong aroma and astringent taste, it is regarded in Ayurveda as a kind of "elixir of life" and believed to promote longevity.^[19]
Tulsi extracts are used in ayurvedic remedies for common colds, headaches, stomach disorders, inflammation, heart disease, various forms of poisoning, and malaria. Traditionally, tulsi is taken in many forms: as herbal tea, dried powder, fresh leaf, or mixed with ghee. Essential oil extracted from Karpoora tulsi is mostly used for medicinal purposes and in herbal cosmetics, and is widely used in skin preparations due to its antibacterial activity. For centuries, the dried leaves have been mixed with stored grains to repel insects.^[20]"

thanks wiki. anyway, that's the farm i mention in my last blog (god i hate that word). it's not the seva that is a blessing; it's that their are also locals working there. i've made friends with about 8 or 10 of them now. one of them is teaching me, malayalam (malay) the local language.  i don't have much, basically just, what is your name and thank you.  also, a few bad words and slurs.  i guess you always learn the bad words first.  it's been that way since the begining of time.  but it's been reassuring to my trip.  i love meeting the locals and getting out there.  today, we stole some nips of a drink after work and had an indian beedi (kind of an cigarette wrap in leaf).  it was great, we were comrades in arms.  they've given me their numbers and made plans to take me out.  i love it!  it's why i like to travel.  i mean, i like meeting people and westerns too; but i still have major problems with some, and i'll emphasize some, of the westerns at the ashram.  some are really great, i love my roommate fritz from switzerland; he's great, he comes home every night usually after me and sits down on the floor next to my bed where i'm reading and asks about my day and we talk about my day, his day.  and when other other roommate (dominic, from french canadia) comes in we talk to him and fritz makes little sarcastic jokes and always gives me the eye when he does this.  it's pretty funny.  and then they talk a little bit and i usually listen.  but anyway, some of the westerns here suck.  like i said, i have the smiling problem here.  and then their skin deep spiritual agenda gets to me.  i guess i shouldn't let it.  maybe that's my hill to overcome in the ashram.  wow, i hadn't realized what i was supposed to do until i wrote that.  i'd been talking to charlie a lot about overcoming western people and our destruction of local culture for the last two months and here i am being holier than thou.  what a joke, i'm no better or worse than anyone.  i've been trying to see our similarities rather than our differences.  i usually have to start from square one, we are both human.  we are both alive, we are both on a path that lead us to this ashram.  and then go from there.  where ever there may lead.  so, this is the new plan.  overcome my own hold-ups.  i might be on to something.  we'll see...

but i'm stoked on the locals and hanging out with them and learning malay (even though i'm retarded with language and it takes me forever; but i've got their names).  my main man is vyshak and he's this halarious 20 year old, full of piss and vinegar, always talking shit.  his buddy nashim and then the hoe driver (i forget his name) and saga.  we listen to songs on their phones during tea breaks.  the chai here, forget it.  i haven't had coffee since getting here.  and i love coffee.  have about three cups of chai a day.  it's delicious.

another quick note: i love walking around the town and the island thingy the ashram is situated on.  i was telling this to a girl the other day and she wasn't so stoked on it.  and i had an email from a friend that kind of laid out the differences of traveling as a girl over me being a guy.  what a difference.  i never even thought about it.  i mean i had but not too much.  i walk around and smile at everyone and they smile back and sometimes i wave and sometimes the people call me over and i come over.  apparently it's different being a girl.  they get stared at and whistled at and they don't like it when dudes piss in the streets.  ops, i guess i'll quit that.  i forget is all i'm saying, there's a difference, in between me being alone and a girl being alone out here.  or anywhere.  what a trip.

i forget what else i wanted to write about.  there's juice stalls here.  the one i go to has the best mango shake, shit is unreal.  i've been trying to meditate and do yoga every morning.  i am looking at going to another yoga teacher training here, either rishikesh (this is where the beatles went and met a guru and learned about meditation and whatnot) or mysore (home of ashtanga yoga, the shit). or just doing a month long yoga course.  i drove a motorcycle again today, i'm pretty sure i love riding bikes.  the point is stay up, keep my head above water.  take in all i can.  my mom reminded me: life is good.  and what can i say to that, life is good, i am living an unreal dream.  so, i give thanks for that and all i have.

love you all.

take care,

nick

p.s. oh yeah, new agenda for the rest of my trip.

india: two more months, i have to be out march 28 due to visa expiration.  so, yoga school, either one month (feb) or two.  we'll see.  if it's one month, i'll travel india for another 28 days or so.

jordan: have to visit petra (one of my life goals), maybe israel to stay with daniel and hadas, the israelis i met in lao (also a life goal, see the holy land). 
egypt: see the pyramids (life goal, just crossing em off).
tanzania: visit my sister, go on a safari (what a joke, whose life is this).
maybe kenya, we'll see.
colombia: i just love the idea of colombia, see the caribbean coast.  heard it's beautiful, have to go.  maybe not a life goal but certainly awesome.
home: see friends and family.  go to a giants game.  hangout in sf.  go to reno and see friends and family there.  go to vacation about a week and a half after getting home in graeagle (one of my favorite places on earth, we've been going as a family over twenty years, top that) and hangout with family and friends, nieces and nephews and sisters and brother-in-laws.

it's going to be good and it's only just begun. 

bit of a breakdown/breakthrough

so today was kind of a monumental day for me and my travels.  since getting to the ashram about a week ago, i've been lost, confused, and frusturated.  i didn't know what i was doing here or why i had came.  i wasn't liking the people and sycophantic worship of amma.  nor what i percieved as their vapid spirituality.  no one smiles.  i have a major problem with that.  i'm a smiler.  i smile at everyone, walking down the street, on the bus, on the plane; mostly, there's times where i couldn't be bothered but most of the time i'm smiling at everyone i come across.  i guess it's a genetic trait inheirited from my father.  whaddaya gonna do.  back to the subject, i was not liking it at all here.

yesterday, three aussie chicks came through and were working (doing seva (say-vah) selfless service, we are supposed to do at least two hours a day of this) on moving paper from one room to another.  seva is meant to breakdown the ego, useless work will do that.  we call it charater building.  anyway, they were excited, funny, and of course cute.  we joked and talked and basically had an enjoyable time doing a job that sucks balls.  then we all took a tour of the ashram, which i hadn't done yet despited being here for a few days.  i was speaking with one of them about how it seemed that a lot of the people here were a bit selfish and not as alturistic as they would like to think.  point being, we were getting along fairly well.  i asked what they were up to, where they were going and whatnot.  they were heading north.  i had decided that i might do a yoga school in mysore and that their path was on the general path.  so, i was like, can i come with yous?  yeah sure, no problem.  that was an exta seva that i'd picked up, so maybe this was a little serendipity.  i felt good about the decision right then.  much happier than i had felt since getting here.

it wasn't until a little later, when i was walking home after dinner that i started feeling a little guilty about this.  maybe i hadn't given this place a fair chance.  maybe it was me and not everyone else.  i came all this way, and my plan was going to be staying at the ashram and meditating and doing yoga everyday (the yoga class here is not for me).  and i haven't been meditating at all.  these are my faults though.  so, i decided to sleep on it.  next day, i was feeling guilty about the decision to leave all morning.  i kept trying to rationalize, i should travel and see more of india and blah blah blah.  i went to yoga in the morning and was not quelled by that, the class was too easy, too slow, and too full of old people.  i hadn't told my regular seva that i wouldn't be there today and felt guilty about that, i actually like the lady who is the boss and some of the other people on the crew.  i actually packed up all my shit and was at the office waiting... just waiting and doing mind agitating circles and i just couldn't do it.  i couldn't leave.  i hadn't given this place a chance.  i hadn't been open enough.

so, i met up with the girls, told them i couldn't come with them.  you should have seen the begging, oh nick please, you have to come with us, oh it was disgusting.  but flattering.  i had to tell them no though.  nah, just kidding.  anyway, so i grabbed my bag and headed over to my seva, lunch serving duty in the western cantina.  there's four food areas: an indian cafe, an indian cantina (this is the "free" food, basically curry like breakfast, lunch, and dinner), a western cantina, and a western cafe.  it's not a bad gib, i'm near the food so i can taste it and get a little free something here and there.  so that's nice.  i worked my two hour shift, it was good.  had lunch with this kid from so-cal (patrick) who's kind of a devotee (someone who has asked amma to be their guru and she has accepted) i think.  he's pretty cool though, he was working the paper gig yesterday.  and we talked about what we did back home and about surfing and politics and it was re-assuring.  after that i had picked up an extra seva working in one of amma's gardens.  she has like 10 around the ashram.

about that ashram: an ashram is like a spiritual/religious campus.  there is a temple or more, depending, there are 3 here i think.  amma's main temple is a kali.  amma is a follower of kali.  kali is the hindi god of destruction.  there are multiple hindi gods but they are of the many faces of one god.  so it's kinda like the holy trinity of catholicism.  there are like 10 apartment building here, i swear, okay maybe not ten but like 5 or 6.  a few thousand  can stay here at a time i believe.  an ayurveda hospital and shop, a massive temple where bhjuan is sung a couple nights a week (bhjuan is the singing of  holy hindu songs); it's actually pretty beautiful.  4 foods places, a fruit stand, shops, an internet cafe, a pool, an ayurveda researce building.  and then on the ajacent homeland, the ashram is on a kind of island inbetween the ocean (arabian sea) and the back water; there is a ayurveda college, an engineering college, a science college and a couple other colleges i can't remember.  the place ashram isn't that big so it's all kind of packed in there.  it's realy pretty cool now that i think about it. 

so, i'm doing this extra seva at some land which will be a new garden soon.  she has a few gardens around growing ayurveda herbs and i'm sure other food stuff for the ashram.  and i'm moving bricks.  but i'm moving bricks with an italian and a austrian and there are two french girls also doing work there.  and i'm thinking that it was such a great choice to stay.  i'm helping building a new garden for one of the most charitable and humanitarian organizations in the world.  volunteering no less.  will people from all around the world.  yesterday it was the aussies, a french dude, and a swede.  my lunch crew is made up of a spanish chick, 3 americans, a danish dude, an old italian lady, a french chick and more.  the indian people here love amma, she is like a national hero.  yesterday, i met an indian from about two hours away in cochin and he just had two days off so he came here. 

if you don't know about amma's organization, embracing the world, look it up.  we watched a video about her and the organization during the introduction and ashram tour.  embracing the world has helped after every major catastrophe in the last 15 years and given more than that.  the flood here destroyed her ashram and yet they were providing countless bags of rice to starving people in the neighborhood and state it's located (kerala).  the tsunami in japan.  the earthquake in hati.  building housing for children in  kenya and clean drinking water and thousands of other houses in india and around the world. she's also a spiritual guide for thousands of people in india and around the world.

so yeah, i feel like i made the right decision.  this lady has hugged something insane like 35 million people, including yours truly, which i think was more of a treat for her than it was for me.  and while the people around here are little crazy about her, i can get it.  i can get behind all the humanitarian things that she's accomplished and feel good that for a little bit of time i helped and contributed rather than bailing.

i think i stink like curry though.  all i've eaten is the free meals for a couple days now, okay i broke down this morning and had western breakfast (curry for breakfast 4 days in a row is just too much).  so i had nine straight meals of curry and 10 out of 11 so far.  i might try to break some records.

so, while i still might bail at the end of january.  i've gave it a go.  it just took a bit of adjusting.  i mean, last week i was at one of the most massive parties on earth; this week i'm going to sleep at ten and living an ashram lifestyle.  hopefully i can do this yoga teacher training in mysore or just go and do some intense yoga training.  we'll see, i kind of came to india to save some money.

a quick note on the indian people: they do this head bobble that we would use a shoulder shrug for.  it's the funniest thing you've ever seen.  i mean it.  i'm laughing my ass off whenever i see it.  yesterday, during the paper move, their were about 6 indian women working with us and deciding where to move the paper and just throwing this head bobble around.  i was losing it. 

later,

nick

p.s. no picture taking is allowed in the ashram and i might follow the rules this one time.  i did get some shots from the outside and the surrounding area and i'll try to get more of the arabian sea and what not; but if you want to see what it looks like, i guess you'll have to come.

on my way out

alright, so i've been in thailand for about 5 days now.  i traveled from luang prabang to vientienne overnight and then caught a bus to bangkok.  i had about a week in thailand before i was supposed to catch a flight to india.  didn't have any plans, didn't know what i was going to do. but then you always meet some kids.  in the tuk tuk on the way to the bus station i met 4 kids heading to the full moon party on koh phangan the 8th of jan.  perfect.  i don't know if you've heard of them; but these parties are supposed to be massive.  they have an nye party that is supposed to draw around 60 thousand people.  i think the regular ones bring in about 30 thousand.

the kids are sebastian from belgium, anthony from france, jenny and lucy from england.  we got to bangkok at 6 in the morning and looked around for a place to buy bus tickets and a boat ride to koh phangan, this huge island in the gulf of thailand.  we found out that you couldn't catch a bus or train until the evening so we rented a room for the day and spent the rest of the day buying shit in bangkok and wandering around a tourist street there.  it was pretty crazy.  oh yeah, and walking around at 6 in the morning i did see a few lady boys.

the bus ride was uneventful but did drop us off at the port a little early and we had to wait from like 4 in the morning to 8 or 9 for the boat to pick us up.  after getting to koh phangan we had to take a tuk tuk to haadrin, which is the city on koh phangan where the party is.  it was the sixth, two nights before the full moon party.  they say the nights before it are better because on the actual night the place is so packed it's kinda unreal.  we settled some bungalows and then went to the beach.  the beaches are super gorgeous and have lots of people, from all over the world.  at the parties the next three nights, i would meet people from ibiza, iran, russia, spain, new zealand, england, australia, america, obviously thai's, france, israel, and many other places.

that first night was the pool party at coral.  billed as the original pool party in haadrin (everything here is the original something).  we got there way early but drank buckets anyway.  i don't know where i first started noticing buckets but they are everywhere in SEA.  basically plastic beach buckets full of some kind of booze and mixers and always red bull.  i've pretty much avoided the buckets until this night.  the pool party was okay but kind of a sauage fest so i took off for a bit head to another bar.  there i met this dude that told me about this jungle rave that you had to take a boat taxi to, i learned later that this place was called eden.  hahahah.  very fitting.  this place was nuts.  a couple bars, dance floors, lounge tables, dj's and everything else you can imagine would be in a place like this.  here i met the couple from ibiza that i would hangout with all night.  they were pretty cool, but i kept getting confused if they were french or spanish and where ibiza was.  they were looking from their friend from iran, he would show up hours later and i believe that i offended him by commenting that our countries were about to go to war.  i didn't mean anything by it but he snapped back at me.  i apologized and dropped it.  all i was trying to say is that it was crazy and not a good thing but... anyway, back to the party, we danced all night me with the couple from ibiza and then meeting other people as well.  we met this one palestinian who was dancing his ass off, it was infectious, the dude was a pretty bigger guy but he was straight fire on the dance floor.  by the time i caught the boat taxi the sun was coming up.  when i got back to the bungalow, i had to sleep in the hammock outside because my roommate had thrown sugar and shit all over the place in our room, including on my bed, and millions of ants had congregated there.

the next day we spent most of the day at the beach.  my roommate stayed in the bungalow, watching movies as he was too hungover.  i was pissed about the way he'd trashed our room but wasn't going to say anything.  i've surely never been too drunk.  anyway, the thai's were setting up platforms and stages and multi-colored neon ornaments all over the beach.    that night we hung out with the kiwi's at the kangaroo bar, where they sell mushroom shakes and joints.  i don't think i mentioned that they did this in vang vieng in lao too.  i'm not sure how legal it is; but i guess they do it anyway.  we had a fairly uneventful night as we were all tired from the night before and knew the next night would be big.

after breakfast the next morning we stopped by some shops to load up on neon gear for the night.  there must be like a hundred shops here, all selling neon clothes, jewelry, and body paint.  i got a tank top and we all pitched in on some body paint.  after that we hungout at the beach for days, reading, swimming, checking out the sites.  about 5 or so we ran into the kiwi's from the night before and made plans for dinner, they were going to a restaurant for sunday roast.  went back to the bungalow to shower and get ready.  we met up for dinner, no roast for me, only the veggie pad thai.  i haven't seen any drunken noodles either, maybe they aren't in this part of the country but that's all i would eat at thai places in sf, pad see kew.  it's weird.  anyway, then we got some drinks and headed back to our guest house to drink cheaper there for a while and cover our bodies in neon paint.  then we headed down to the beach for the party.  we set up a meeting place if anyone got lost.  i got lost right away of course.  this thai dude was driving by on a motorbike and i jumped on the back, giving everyone down the street high fives along the way.  in any case i made it to the beach and there was a shit ton of people, i mean, a lot.  so i headed to the meeting place, swimming through people.  people dancing on stages, dancing on the beach, people everywhere.

i got to the meeting place, got a beer and waited.  i don't know how long i waited but i never saw anyone from our group.  eventually, these two scottish girls sat next to me and i chatted with them for a bit.  after a while i just figured that i wouldn't see anyone from our group so i went dancing with the scottish girls.  we danced all night, they were drinking buckets but i had stopped drinking by now as i was pretty primed.  at one point it seemed the girls went from okay to absolutely wasted in like 60 seconds.  one second okay, the next not.  so, i had to get them back to their guesthouse or whatever.  it took us days to walk back up to the streets and one of them kept sitting down.  so we finally get a tuk tuk and head back to their place.  i figured it was in haadrin as that's where most people where staying for the full moon party.  i couldn't have been more wrong.  they were like a half hour drive to the other side of the island.  so we get over there and go to sleep.  the next day, i woke up way too late, missing the boat ride and bus i had scheduled to go back to bangkok.  then i had to pay 1,400 baht to get back to my side of the island, 30 baht to a dollar.  i got back and the poor kids had been looking for me for days, they had even gone to the police station to tell them they had a missing person.  i felt pretty bad.  i had to reschedule my bus ride paying more for it.  oh well, it was a good night.

so here i am the morning after the full moon party, pretty amazed by what a massive party it is and that they do this every month, waiting for the boat to head to bangkok.  the next time i write it will be from india.

later,  nick

p.s. i forgot to mention that this is the first place where i've met with anti-american setiment.  apparently new zealanders are down on us right now.  and more.