bit of a breakdown/breakthrough

so today was kind of a monumental day for me and my travels.  since getting to the ashram about a week ago, i've been lost, confused, and frusturated.  i didn't know what i was doing here or why i had came.  i wasn't liking the people and sycophantic worship of amma.  nor what i percieved as their vapid spirituality.  no one smiles.  i have a major problem with that.  i'm a smiler.  i smile at everyone, walking down the street, on the bus, on the plane; mostly, there's times where i couldn't be bothered but most of the time i'm smiling at everyone i come across.  i guess it's a genetic trait inheirited from my father.  whaddaya gonna do.  back to the subject, i was not liking it at all here.

yesterday, three aussie chicks came through and were working (doing seva (say-vah) selfless service, we are supposed to do at least two hours a day of this) on moving paper from one room to another.  seva is meant to breakdown the ego, useless work will do that.  we call it charater building.  anyway, they were excited, funny, and of course cute.  we joked and talked and basically had an enjoyable time doing a job that sucks balls.  then we all took a tour of the ashram, which i hadn't done yet despited being here for a few days.  i was speaking with one of them about how it seemed that a lot of the people here were a bit selfish and not as alturistic as they would like to think.  point being, we were getting along fairly well.  i asked what they were up to, where they were going and whatnot.  they were heading north.  i had decided that i might do a yoga school in mysore and that their path was on the general path.  so, i was like, can i come with yous?  yeah sure, no problem.  that was an exta seva that i'd picked up, so maybe this was a little serendipity.  i felt good about the decision right then.  much happier than i had felt since getting here.

it wasn't until a little later, when i was walking home after dinner that i started feeling a little guilty about this.  maybe i hadn't given this place a fair chance.  maybe it was me and not everyone else.  i came all this way, and my plan was going to be staying at the ashram and meditating and doing yoga everyday (the yoga class here is not for me).  and i haven't been meditating at all.  these are my faults though.  so, i decided to sleep on it.  next day, i was feeling guilty about the decision to leave all morning.  i kept trying to rationalize, i should travel and see more of india and blah blah blah.  i went to yoga in the morning and was not quelled by that, the class was too easy, too slow, and too full of old people.  i hadn't told my regular seva that i wouldn't be there today and felt guilty about that, i actually like the lady who is the boss and some of the other people on the crew.  i actually packed up all my shit and was at the office waiting... just waiting and doing mind agitating circles and i just couldn't do it.  i couldn't leave.  i hadn't given this place a chance.  i hadn't been open enough.

so, i met up with the girls, told them i couldn't come with them.  you should have seen the begging, oh nick please, you have to come with us, oh it was disgusting.  but flattering.  i had to tell them no though.  nah, just kidding.  anyway, so i grabbed my bag and headed over to my seva, lunch serving duty in the western cantina.  there's four food areas: an indian cafe, an indian cantina (this is the "free" food, basically curry like breakfast, lunch, and dinner), a western cantina, and a western cafe.  it's not a bad gib, i'm near the food so i can taste it and get a little free something here and there.  so that's nice.  i worked my two hour shift, it was good.  had lunch with this kid from so-cal (patrick) who's kind of a devotee (someone who has asked amma to be their guru and she has accepted) i think.  he's pretty cool though, he was working the paper gig yesterday.  and we talked about what we did back home and about surfing and politics and it was re-assuring.  after that i had picked up an extra seva working in one of amma's gardens.  she has like 10 around the ashram.

about that ashram: an ashram is like a spiritual/religious campus.  there is a temple or more, depending, there are 3 here i think.  amma's main temple is a kali.  amma is a follower of kali.  kali is the hindi god of destruction.  there are multiple hindi gods but they are of the many faces of one god.  so it's kinda like the holy trinity of catholicism.  there are like 10 apartment building here, i swear, okay maybe not ten but like 5 or 6.  a few thousand  can stay here at a time i believe.  an ayurveda hospital and shop, a massive temple where bhjuan is sung a couple nights a week (bhjuan is the singing of  holy hindu songs); it's actually pretty beautiful.  4 foods places, a fruit stand, shops, an internet cafe, a pool, an ayurveda researce building.  and then on the ajacent homeland, the ashram is on a kind of island inbetween the ocean (arabian sea) and the back water; there is a ayurveda college, an engineering college, a science college and a couple other colleges i can't remember.  the place ashram isn't that big so it's all kind of packed in there.  it's realy pretty cool now that i think about it. 

so, i'm doing this extra seva at some land which will be a new garden soon.  she has a few gardens around growing ayurveda herbs and i'm sure other food stuff for the ashram.  and i'm moving bricks.  but i'm moving bricks with an italian and a austrian and there are two french girls also doing work there.  and i'm thinking that it was such a great choice to stay.  i'm helping building a new garden for one of the most charitable and humanitarian organizations in the world.  volunteering no less.  will people from all around the world.  yesterday it was the aussies, a french dude, and a swede.  my lunch crew is made up of a spanish chick, 3 americans, a danish dude, an old italian lady, a french chick and more.  the indian people here love amma, she is like a national hero.  yesterday, i met an indian from about two hours away in cochin and he just had two days off so he came here. 

if you don't know about amma's organization, embracing the world, look it up.  we watched a video about her and the organization during the introduction and ashram tour.  embracing the world has helped after every major catastrophe in the last 15 years and given more than that.  the flood here destroyed her ashram and yet they were providing countless bags of rice to starving people in the neighborhood and state it's located (kerala).  the tsunami in japan.  the earthquake in hati.  building housing for children in  kenya and clean drinking water and thousands of other houses in india and around the world. she's also a spiritual guide for thousands of people in india and around the world.

so yeah, i feel like i made the right decision.  this lady has hugged something insane like 35 million people, including yours truly, which i think was more of a treat for her than it was for me.  and while the people around here are little crazy about her, i can get it.  i can get behind all the humanitarian things that she's accomplished and feel good that for a little bit of time i helped and contributed rather than bailing.

i think i stink like curry though.  all i've eaten is the free meals for a couple days now, okay i broke down this morning and had western breakfast (curry for breakfast 4 days in a row is just too much).  so i had nine straight meals of curry and 10 out of 11 so far.  i might try to break some records.

so, while i still might bail at the end of january.  i've gave it a go.  it just took a bit of adjusting.  i mean, last week i was at one of the most massive parties on earth; this week i'm going to sleep at ten and living an ashram lifestyle.  hopefully i can do this yoga teacher training in mysore or just go and do some intense yoga training.  we'll see, i kind of came to india to save some money.

a quick note on the indian people: they do this head bobble that we would use a shoulder shrug for.  it's the funniest thing you've ever seen.  i mean it.  i'm laughing my ass off whenever i see it.  yesterday, during the paper move, their were about 6 indian women working with us and deciding where to move the paper and just throwing this head bobble around.  i was losing it. 

later,

nick

p.s. no picture taking is allowed in the ashram and i might follow the rules this one time.  i did get some shots from the outside and the surrounding area and i'll try to get more of the arabian sea and what not; but if you want to see what it looks like, i guess you'll have to come.