a greek lady says to me the other day, when i told her i wasn't so keen on the westerners in the ashram, that we often see traits or characteristics in others that we do not like about ourselves. ouch. it's called mirroring. amma also spoke about it at a beach meditation session, which i missed, but still the message reached my ears. is the world trying to tell me something...
the ashram has generally been eating me up. i'm don't know if i like it or hate it. most mornings i'm filled with such anxiety and dread it's unreal. then as the day wears on, i usually get more comfortable. that said, i'm pretty sure i tear up at least five times a day. not sad things, just thinking of friends and home; i don't think i've ever been this emotional. this morning do seva i was thinking about my friends and would just randomly tear up, just thinking about all of my friends and how amazing they are and that i love all of them so much and only want the best in life for them and my family. i have the best family and friends, it's unreal. i don't get it. and then i flip flop at least two to three times per day thinking about my plans for when i get home. frozen by indecision, i have been throwing the idea around of going to physical therapy school, working as a yoga teacher, or just trying to get a job that i'm qualified for with insurance and a pension plan and all that good stuff, and going to get my 500hr yoga teaching certificate. the 500hr cert is pretty much locked down. going to happen. the rest is in the air, and i keep reminding myself that i shouldn't stress about these things and that i don't have to decide right now. my new plan is to try and follow my heart and to take risks in this regard. i could walk up to a 60 ft cliff and jump off without hesitation. i can do sketch zip lines, rope swings, and bungee jumps without question. i quit the safety of a sure job with good pay and used my retirement to travel around the world like it was going out of style. i bought a fucking motorcycle in saigon and drove it across two countries in southeast asia, where driving is like playing russian roulette without a second thought. yet, i have such a hard time making what i deem such a massive life decision like the one i'm facing. like quitting my job and using my retirement to travel the world wasn't a huge life decision. hahahha. so weird. anyway, i think all day about this and all i've got right now is to follow my heart and let the chips fall where they will. i like it. i've been reading too much paulo coelho. but he has a point. who do you know that has followed their heart and done what they wanted that is unhappy?
notes on amma: i am unsure of amma's godhood. i definitely think you could call her a saint, along the lines of mother teresa. everyone here has a story of some miracle that she has performed; some of the connecting dots in these people's stories reach pretty far if you ask me. her biography is unbelievable. like literally. her spiritual guidance seems to me common sense. darshan, the hug, is awkward for me; but it's powerful to see her console people. people just bawling and professing love or asking favors. it's such a simple thing, darshan, a hug, yet it really is powerful. think back to when you were a child and you got hurt and your mother hugged you. and it was the most calming and soothing gesture ever, taking all your pain and hurt away and leaving you with the sense that everything will be alright. i'm guessing that's how her hug feels to some people. maybe if i relaxed more it could be like that for me. as it is it's awkward for me. the whole ashram shows up when amma sings bhajan, the singing of sacred hymns. she sits on stage and there's like two thousand people watching and some dancing and clapping; and it isn't bad. she can draw a crowd, that's for sure.
i've got two darshans now. after the first i thought i would leave darshan to the people that need it and want it more than me. but i figured that i should at least try it again and then i'll give it as many other chances that are available to me when i'm here. i mean people wait like a day for a hug from amma, i wait like an hour and have the chance to do this like once or twice a week. i could have gotten like 5 or 6 hugs by now. here's my description of the darshan though: you get your token in the morning after breakfast. this token is good for one hug. at your appointed time bring the token to either the temple or bhajan hall. you wait in line in the temple and then after a bit you're back behind the stage. and that's when it gets a little auspicious. i don't even think she's a deity and yet there's definitely power there. my first darshan, i felt nervous, what's going to happen, will she see right through me and if she does what will she see. it gets weird back there, people are crying, praying, all these devotees are sitting around her, some dude has a camera and is recording right behind amma, people are bringing babies to be blessed. i was nervous. and you move forward in plastic chairs til you are almost there, the whole time a kind of jittery apprehension building, what is going to happen? how will it feel? and then you're at the stage, people out in the crowd watching, they ask your language (i guess this is so amma knows which language to speak to you as she hugs you, i didn't know that until after the second hug). you get pushed down on your knees and it's so crowded and you're forced right up to the person in front of you, shuffling. and she's hugging the person in front of you and maybe their crying or maybe not, maybe they asked amma a question (bless this, bless that, can i have a mantra, for a spiritual name, idk). amma is talking to the people around her, maybe she throws flower petals at some misbehaving kid in the audience and wildly gesturing to those around her and laughing raucously (she does have a beautiful laugh you notice, full throated and hearty). and then it's your turn, and you notice that the place where people put their faces is all wet from human tears, mucus, and snot and you're a bit disgusted. and you're not allowed to hug back. you put your hands on the arm rests of the chairs and they push, your face to this spot and she draws you close in a strong one handed embrace. and you don't know what to do, do you linger, do you try to be quick about it, do you feel anything out of the ordinary.. and she pulls you in and whispers in your ear. i didn't know what it was, i thought it was all in malaylam, i didn't pay attention. and she hands you prasad and you're yanked up and pushed to the side and away from the stage and it's all over and you don't know what went on, or how you felt. and the prasad has a piece of candy that's good. and you walk away, do you feel different? do you feel better? was it amazing? i don't know. maybe after the first one i felt better. i don't know. i'm not sure if i like it.
next, i decided to do a yoga teacher training course in rishikesh. rishikesh is where the beatles visited when they came to india and met a guru. it's in the north and at the base of the himalayas. it'll probaly be pretty cold up there still; but that will be a nice change from the stickiness and hot humidity of kerala. i wanted to travel for ten days or so on the way up there; visiting bombay, goa, going to the taj mahal, go to a nature reserve and trying to see some bengal tigers. but all the trains were booked up and i could only get a flight on the 9th of feb. the yoga school starts on the 12th and is a month long program. it ends the 16th of march, i believe, and that will leave me 12 days to travel before my visa runs out on the 28th of march. so, that is the new plan for india. i like it. i think it'll be good.
india is like nothing i've seen so far, next level shit, for real. i took the local bus into town about a week ago and went to a few bars to get drinks and it was bonkers. i mean it. it was like they were all pounding alcohol; and since india is such a traditional (sexually repressed) country there were no girls in the bar. just dudes getting the hammer on. they are all super nice though, and want to meet you, introduce themselves and get your name. and invite you to drink with them. it's packed though, they got a serious population problem and you can tell even in the relativity small city the ashram in next to (about 6-8 km away). there are amma's college's near the ashram and in india there are no bars or places to buy booze near college's. i was telling the kid's from the college that these people are missing out on a gold mine; straight feeding the sauce to uni kids. but indians put such an emphasis on education, it's unreal. i guess that's why they are on their way to becoming a super power. i went to dinner at this kid's house who works out at the tulasi farm with me, it was super nice of him to invite me and for his family to make me dinner. but then it was just food for me and they didn't eat. they all just sat around watching me eat and it was weird. but i didn't let it show. i just ate and enjoyed and played with the nephew of the kid who invited me. and the kid would hand me his phone every one in a while and tell me to speak the one phrase of malaylam that i've managed to learn: ninde parendo ah, what is your name to the person on the line. and other members of the family who lived in a few houses around came by once they heard a whitey was there. the milk is incredible though, do to the fact they all own cows. and then when i finished eating they all brought out cell phones and took pictures. it was nice but weird. and then he took me back to the ashram right away. dinner was at most like a half an hour. i wondered when they would eat, if they ate before i can there, and why didn't we all eat together.
some random indian notes: the head bobble still makes me laugh loud, i don't think it'll ever get old. people just own cows. not even fields, just cows and a little coral. i often see people taking their cow out for a walk. trips me out. here they come just walking their cow like we would a dog. i don't know how to respond to it. the eating watery rice with their hands still throws me off as well. watery rice is fucked up to begin with and then trying to scoop it up with some curry and make like a shovel with your first three fingers and then use your thumb to push into your mouth. there's technique. i don't have that yet.
i have found my patriotism refined here as well. i never knew i was a patriot until i left my country. i want the best for my country and i want us to move more back toward the idea's we were founded upon. be a country that fosters peace, democracy, and tolerance through the world rather than the war mongering and corprotacracy that i feel like we've become. there are polarizing opinions of america that i get from others. i have a dutch boss at one seva who's always jokily clowning on america. and i don't mind but it gets old after a few weeks. i've heard some people spout hate and anger at us. others who say they love america and the opportunity we provide for the common person. there are so many things i want to say to them. there are lots of american citizens that believe our foreign policy is alienating us and war waging from our industrial military complex is way out control and overboard. but also, that our military action and world police position has had countless benefits bringing down tyrants and helping people in need. that america is always the country that gives the most money to other countries in times on famine or natural disaster. but that it's so sad that we have the capability to stop world hunger but have not utilized the chance. that yes, a common person can actualize their dreams. but that our system has built the greatest case of greed and selfishness that the world has ever seen. yet above it all we are a great nation with great people who love and care for all the people of earth. a bit much, eh.
so, i am still not sure why i am here. i am still not sure if i like it or not. i am working on being a better person. i have time and am reflecting on everything. everything. my days are full of seva, i made it a practice never to refuse to do ashram work and have done all manner of things: husk coconuts, farm, garden, serve food (when i left the peak i promised myself i would never do food industry serving again and here i am volunteering to do it), garbage man, pizza dough rolling (with the funniest most bubbly russian lady ever, she's a match maker and loves america), sweeping, being asked to be supervisor of the crew that cleans the paths where ever amma walks (i was unable to do this because i have changed my departure date, but was honored that i was asked), moved paper stacks, washed pots, and other odd jobs.
p.s. sorry if this is disjointed. i wrote over a few sessions. plus, i am scatter brained right now. so much breaking down. sorry for the politics, i felt the need to both profess my love for my country and also my disappointment with it. i don't know what else...
notes on amma: i am unsure of amma's godhood. i definitely think you could call her a saint, along the lines of mother teresa. everyone here has a story of some miracle that she has performed; some of the connecting dots in these people's stories reach pretty far if you ask me. her biography is unbelievable. like literally. her spiritual guidance seems to me common sense. darshan, the hug, is awkward for me; but it's powerful to see her console people. people just bawling and professing love or asking favors. it's such a simple thing, darshan, a hug, yet it really is powerful. think back to when you were a child and you got hurt and your mother hugged you. and it was the most calming and soothing gesture ever, taking all your pain and hurt away and leaving you with the sense that everything will be alright. i'm guessing that's how her hug feels to some people. maybe if i relaxed more it could be like that for me. as it is it's awkward for me. the whole ashram shows up when amma sings bhajan, the singing of sacred hymns. she sits on stage and there's like two thousand people watching and some dancing and clapping; and it isn't bad. she can draw a crowd, that's for sure.
i've got two darshans now. after the first i thought i would leave darshan to the people that need it and want it more than me. but i figured that i should at least try it again and then i'll give it as many other chances that are available to me when i'm here. i mean people wait like a day for a hug from amma, i wait like an hour and have the chance to do this like once or twice a week. i could have gotten like 5 or 6 hugs by now. here's my description of the darshan though: you get your token in the morning after breakfast. this token is good for one hug. at your appointed time bring the token to either the temple or bhajan hall. you wait in line in the temple and then after a bit you're back behind the stage. and that's when it gets a little auspicious. i don't even think she's a deity and yet there's definitely power there. my first darshan, i felt nervous, what's going to happen, will she see right through me and if she does what will she see. it gets weird back there, people are crying, praying, all these devotees are sitting around her, some dude has a camera and is recording right behind amma, people are bringing babies to be blessed. i was nervous. and you move forward in plastic chairs til you are almost there, the whole time a kind of jittery apprehension building, what is going to happen? how will it feel? and then you're at the stage, people out in the crowd watching, they ask your language (i guess this is so amma knows which language to speak to you as she hugs you, i didn't know that until after the second hug). you get pushed down on your knees and it's so crowded and you're forced right up to the person in front of you, shuffling. and she's hugging the person in front of you and maybe their crying or maybe not, maybe they asked amma a question (bless this, bless that, can i have a mantra, for a spiritual name, idk). amma is talking to the people around her, maybe she throws flower petals at some misbehaving kid in the audience and wildly gesturing to those around her and laughing raucously (she does have a beautiful laugh you notice, full throated and hearty). and then it's your turn, and you notice that the place where people put their faces is all wet from human tears, mucus, and snot and you're a bit disgusted. and you're not allowed to hug back. you put your hands on the arm rests of the chairs and they push, your face to this spot and she draws you close in a strong one handed embrace. and you don't know what to do, do you linger, do you try to be quick about it, do you feel anything out of the ordinary.. and she pulls you in and whispers in your ear. i didn't know what it was, i thought it was all in malaylam, i didn't pay attention. and she hands you prasad and you're yanked up and pushed to the side and away from the stage and it's all over and you don't know what went on, or how you felt. and the prasad has a piece of candy that's good. and you walk away, do you feel different? do you feel better? was it amazing? i don't know. maybe after the first one i felt better. i don't know. i'm not sure if i like it.
next, i decided to do a yoga teacher training course in rishikesh. rishikesh is where the beatles visited when they came to india and met a guru. it's in the north and at the base of the himalayas. it'll probaly be pretty cold up there still; but that will be a nice change from the stickiness and hot humidity of kerala. i wanted to travel for ten days or so on the way up there; visiting bombay, goa, going to the taj mahal, go to a nature reserve and trying to see some bengal tigers. but all the trains were booked up and i could only get a flight on the 9th of feb. the yoga school starts on the 12th and is a month long program. it ends the 16th of march, i believe, and that will leave me 12 days to travel before my visa runs out on the 28th of march. so, that is the new plan for india. i like it. i think it'll be good.
india is like nothing i've seen so far, next level shit, for real. i took the local bus into town about a week ago and went to a few bars to get drinks and it was bonkers. i mean it. it was like they were all pounding alcohol; and since india is such a traditional (sexually repressed) country there were no girls in the bar. just dudes getting the hammer on. they are all super nice though, and want to meet you, introduce themselves and get your name. and invite you to drink with them. it's packed though, they got a serious population problem and you can tell even in the relativity small city the ashram in next to (about 6-8 km away). there are amma's college's near the ashram and in india there are no bars or places to buy booze near college's. i was telling the kid's from the college that these people are missing out on a gold mine; straight feeding the sauce to uni kids. but indians put such an emphasis on education, it's unreal. i guess that's why they are on their way to becoming a super power. i went to dinner at this kid's house who works out at the tulasi farm with me, it was super nice of him to invite me and for his family to make me dinner. but then it was just food for me and they didn't eat. they all just sat around watching me eat and it was weird. but i didn't let it show. i just ate and enjoyed and played with the nephew of the kid who invited me. and the kid would hand me his phone every one in a while and tell me to speak the one phrase of malaylam that i've managed to learn: ninde parendo ah, what is your name to the person on the line. and other members of the family who lived in a few houses around came by once they heard a whitey was there. the milk is incredible though, do to the fact they all own cows. and then when i finished eating they all brought out cell phones and took pictures. it was nice but weird. and then he took me back to the ashram right away. dinner was at most like a half an hour. i wondered when they would eat, if they ate before i can there, and why didn't we all eat together.
some random indian notes: the head bobble still makes me laugh loud, i don't think it'll ever get old. people just own cows. not even fields, just cows and a little coral. i often see people taking their cow out for a walk. trips me out. here they come just walking their cow like we would a dog. i don't know how to respond to it. the eating watery rice with their hands still throws me off as well. watery rice is fucked up to begin with and then trying to scoop it up with some curry and make like a shovel with your first three fingers and then use your thumb to push into your mouth. there's technique. i don't have that yet.
i have found my patriotism refined here as well. i never knew i was a patriot until i left my country. i want the best for my country and i want us to move more back toward the idea's we were founded upon. be a country that fosters peace, democracy, and tolerance through the world rather than the war mongering and corprotacracy that i feel like we've become. there are polarizing opinions of america that i get from others. i have a dutch boss at one seva who's always jokily clowning on america. and i don't mind but it gets old after a few weeks. i've heard some people spout hate and anger at us. others who say they love america and the opportunity we provide for the common person. there are so many things i want to say to them. there are lots of american citizens that believe our foreign policy is alienating us and war waging from our industrial military complex is way out control and overboard. but also, that our military action and world police position has had countless benefits bringing down tyrants and helping people in need. that america is always the country that gives the most money to other countries in times on famine or natural disaster. but that it's so sad that we have the capability to stop world hunger but have not utilized the chance. that yes, a common person can actualize their dreams. but that our system has built the greatest case of greed and selfishness that the world has ever seen. yet above it all we are a great nation with great people who love and care for all the people of earth. a bit much, eh.
so, i am still not sure why i am here. i am still not sure if i like it or not. i am working on being a better person. i have time and am reflecting on everything. everything. my days are full of seva, i made it a practice never to refuse to do ashram work and have done all manner of things: husk coconuts, farm, garden, serve food (when i left the peak i promised myself i would never do food industry serving again and here i am volunteering to do it), garbage man, pizza dough rolling (with the funniest most bubbly russian lady ever, she's a match maker and loves america), sweeping, being asked to be supervisor of the crew that cleans the paths where ever amma walks (i was unable to do this because i have changed my departure date, but was honored that i was asked), moved paper stacks, washed pots, and other odd jobs.
p.s. sorry if this is disjointed. i wrote over a few sessions. plus, i am scatter brained right now. so much breaking down. sorry for the politics, i felt the need to both profess my love for my country and also my disappointment with it. i don't know what else...
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ReplyDeleteto comment on the fact that you're not that into the westerners on this part of the journey: going on a limb here, but every westerner i've met or known who attempts india, (whatever i mean by "attempts india," i don't pretend to know), is kinda lame and kinda douchey. am i terrible for writing that? pretty much.
ReplyDeletethis, of course, does not apply to you nick, nor does it apply to any of the fine readers of your blog. I know there's lots of cool people who go to India...there's also a lot of clueless trend followers, and I must be a pretty lame if that's my circle of friends, except for you nick, of course.
and what's even more confusing, is that i want to go to india and attempt it.